Passionate Desire

I must’ve really pissed off Karma, because I am so miserably sick!!  For almost an entire week now, I’ve been confined to the house and feeling so lousy.  On Monday, I was seen and given meds to treat bronchitis.  By Wednesday, that had progressed into a sinus infection as well.  And then, just to make my life better, I got cramps.

Yup… I’m fantastic.

So now… I’m on a plethora of medication:

• Levaquin (antiobiotic for bronchitis)
• Augmentin (antibiotic for sinus infection)
• Sudafed (prescription strength)
• Tylenol 3 (aka Tylenol w/ Codiene)
• Mucinex (prescription strength)

And when necessary, NyQuil… all I want to do is sleep.  The Tylenol 3 makes me hallucinate if I take more than 1… and I have some serious messed up, NyQuil like dreams!!

I’ve missed an entire week of work… and all I can say is at least my fevers have stopped.  That’s about it.  No real improvement elsewhere, though I’m sure the antibiotics are doing their job.

I’m going back to bed. I’m lucky I can formulate complete sentences.

After an incredibly fast onset of  massive kidney failure… I had to say goodbye to my first baby this morning.  I got her 3 days after I moved 2,000 miles away from home.  She’s been my companion and my princess for 10 wonderful years… and I miss her so very much.

 free·dom   [free-duhm]

–noun 

1. the power to determine action without restraint.

sol·i·tude  [sol-i-tud]

–noun

1. the state of being or living alone; seclusion: to enjoy one’s solitude.

Someone asked me recently why I ride a motorcycle when I don’t ride with a group… I don’t do organized rides… I don’t ride “twisties”, etc.  Honestly… I ride for two reasons… freedom… and solitude. 

For me, it’s not about how fast I can go or how tight I can take a turn… though, I do enjoy the open road… it’s about knowing I’m doing something not everyone else can do.  It’s about knowing I can get out there and be in total control of something.  It’s about  being alone with no one else but myself… and having the freedom to do anything.

Today, my girlfriend and I road a different route… just the two of us.  She rides with a group and I never go along for that reason.  But, that’s her thing… and that’s fine.  She likes the tight turns up in the mountains or down in the canyons.  I don’t have the adrenaline for that.  However, today was our day… and we rode together down a long, winding route that really didn’t allow us to every exceed 40 mph… and we saw no more than maybe a few cars.  It was nice… it was peaceful.  It was very much needed for both of us. 

Unfortunately, after 4 hours of slow riding, some tight turns, and some high winds… I am exhausted and sore.  So, I’m off to bed.  I swear, I am working at updating more frequently… and by the way, thank you for the supportive comments on the last post.

I’m going to say this up front… my dear husband, if you read this, please understand that I’ve kept this site as anonymous as possible and do not discuss our marriage here to hurt you, but more to heal myself…

That being said… hubby and I have decided to separate.  It was a long, heart-wrenching conversation that resulted in many, many tears.  However, it is for the best.  Over the last 6+ years, we have had yet to find that commonality between ourselves.  He has had his issues and I have had mine.  In the end, we’re together because we’re comfortable with each other and love each other.  This is what we know. 

We both deserve to be happy… and after a very long talk, we agreed to begin to separate.  The steps will be very small and no one will even know for quite some time.  I would honestly say we will not physically or legally separate until the end of the year.  And who knows… maybe this is what we need to fix what’s wrong.

Either way, it’s been tough and I can honestly say that I’ve felt closer to him in the last week since the conversation than I have in our entire marriage.  I’ve missed him every day, I’ve stayed up to see him get home every night, I’ve wanted to spend more time with him now than ever before.  It’s been very eye-opening, yet very heartbreaking as well.  Thankfully, there has been no anger or hostility… and everything has been discussed very openly.  We even jokingly divided up our belongings… until we got to the pets.  LOL  (BTW… we got a 2nd dog a few weeks ago.)  That portion may be a custody battle.

In the end, I don’t know what will happen… but, I do know that we both deserve to be happy and if we can’t find that together, we will part as friends and let each other find that happiness.  It’s only fair.  No one should have to live their life without total happiness.  I love my husband so very much… and I feel as though I have failed and disappointed him.  It’s not that I’m giving up… it’s that I have nothing left to give.  I’ve tried for so long and I don’t know if it’s too late or not. 

Only time will tell.

It’s been a long time since I was able to check the “Office” category on a post…

After nearly an entire year of searching for employment, I finally got a job!!!

I’m now the Marketing Assistant for a fantastic company with plenty of room for growth!!  While my title may say “assistant”, I have quickly learned that I am, in fact, the entire Marketing department for our U.S. office.  The way I see it, they can’t call me the Marketing Director, because I’m paid hourly and work in a cubicle.  LOL  That’s my theory at least.

Anyway, a little about my position… I basically will be doing all of the marketing and advertising, to include: trade shows (organization and development as well as attendance - can we say travel?); ad campaigns (direct marketing, magazine advertisements, promotional items (i.e. stickers, etc.), and public relations); product loans; catalog, flyer and brochure design; bi-monthly newsletter (design and content); web site (content, updates, and some layout design); and product box designs.

Not bad, huh?  Everything is finally paying off… I’m right where I want to be.  My business cards were ordered on Thursday and I start on my own this coming Monday.  Training went smoothly… and I was fortunate enough to be trained by the guy who had the position before me.  He was fantastic and really helped me slip right into the job.  I think this is going to be an amazing opportunity!!

Maybe I’ll get around to updating this more often again, too.

2008 was a definite year of ups and downs for me…

• Hubby and I left the house to get Wendy’s one day and came home with a new car. 
• Boston was on the agenda in March for my sister’s baby shower. 
• I graduated from college in March and started looking for a job. 
• I then turned 30 in April. 
• Hubby deployed to Iraq for the 3rd time two days after my birthday. 
• Gas prices appeared to hit an all-time high, only to rise further… and I continued to search for work.
• My beautiful nephew was born in May a couple weeks after I flew to Florida to see my folks.  
• I made my first trip to Vegas (hated it) in June.  Still no job. 
• My Katana was traded in for a GSX-R the following week just before I went through an excruciating biopsy procedure (all was fine). 
• Hubby’s grandmother passed away after a long struggle with dementia.
• Half of Camp Pendleton caught on fire again and still no job as fall neared. 
• Hubby and I chatted frequently online and even got to see each other on webcam a few times.  
• A couple interviews here and there, yet still no job.
• My mom came to visit me over Halloween.
• Three weeks later, my husband returned… and the feeling of serenity he has always given me quickly returned.
• Gas prices plummeted… as the economy did even further… and still no job.
• Thanksgiving was the following week… spent with friends.  
• Our first vacation ever occured in the beginning of December… up to Big Bear we went!
• Christmas was around the corner… and looking pretty sad with the economy and still no job.
• My loving friend passed away December 23rd.
• A wonderful Christmas Eve was spent with our dearest friends.
• Christmas was full of love and joy with what we could share.
• Hubby flew home the following day.
• Our 6th anniversary passed.

And now, I sit here… 40 minutes away from 2009 and wonder just how much of this year was good and how much was bad.  It feels as though time escaped me and the year has come and gone.  My girlfriend’s funeral was today… I couldn’t be there… but, I sent a beautiful arrangement of gladiolas.  Looking ahead…

• I have a job interview on Monday… for a job I truly want and feel I can get.
• Hubby starts a new job in a couple of weeks… one that will not require him to deploy or go away for any periods of time.  For the first time in our marriage, we will be able to have a life together.
• I will be walking for Great Strides in the spring and raising awareness and funds to support Cystic Fibrosis.  I will walk in my friend’s name.  Hubby said he would even walk with me.
• My nephew will be baptised in the spring as well.  Hubby and I will make the trip to Boston and I will stand in the church to be my nephew’s Godmother.

I guess you could say the first half of the New Year is looking promising… it’s the letting go of this year that may take some time…

Wishing you all a very safe, wonderful, and Happy New Year… Welcome 2009!!!