Passionate Desire

Everyone told me that while they supported me for wanting to work things out with my husband, I would know if it wasn’t going to work.

I now know.

After stopping by my old house yesterday to pick up an item I had forgotten… I tried calling from outside the house only to have him send me straight to voicemail.  This irritated me and I knocked.  He answered and was anything but friendly.  He showed me where them item was and simply said, “enjoy”.  I thanked him.  I was kind to him.  And in return, he was not even as nice as a total stranger would be.

It was at that moment that I truly realized, it is 100% completely over between us.

The strange thing is… I’m not even sad or upset.  I think I went through all the emotions over the last year we’ve been separated.  I think, during the time he was deployed, I had forgotten all the bad.

I remember now.

And I’m done.  I’ve emailed him and asked if we can wait until I find full time employment, at which time, we can file.

His decision was clear without him needing to say a word.

It’s over.

I did everything I could in the days following my husband’s homecoming to show him how much I do still love him and want to be with him.  For all of it… this is what I got in response:

Him:  “I have some things I need to figure out by myself before I can decide if I want a relationship.”

Me:  “So, you’re not even willing to get to know me again during that time?”

Him:  “I have other things to work through first.  Things that are none of your concern.”

I’d sure as hell like to know what’s going on that he feels won’t affect me (as his wife) if we choose to stay together.  That combined with his responses to other things lead me to believe he just flat out has no interest in being with me, but doesn’t want to have to actually say it as he doesn’t like to see me upset.

Let’s just say… I’m lucky if I can get a one armed hug from him.  And I’ve now been told he’ll contact me when he’s ready to sit down and talk about us.

We’ve been separated for over a year now… I’d say his decision is pretty clear.

Hubby came home last night.  It wasn’t quite the reunion I had hoped for.  He didn’t even so much as smile when he saw me… and I cried… it hurt so much to get a cold hug and a “hey, what’s up?”  I asked if I could go back to the house (our old house) for a bit and his response was, “I don’t care.”  So, I did… and after he had a few beers, he warmed up to me a bit… but, it wasn’t much more than lukewarm.  It’s a start though.  He was pretty much back to being cold today when I spoke to him briefly.

I know I need to give him time.  I guess it’s just difficult because I’ve had so much time to think about all of this myself and now that he’s here, I want to talk about everything.  I know we have a lot to discuss and I know it won’t all get resolved in one conversation, but I’m just not ready to give up.  Life’s too short to throw away a marriage that still has love.  I know he still loves me… I know he still cares about me… I think the chilliness is simply his way of protecting himself.  And I can’t blame him for that.  I just wish he’d let that guard down a little bit, because I’m hurting just as much.

My husband will be home in just a couple days.  We  have only had one conversation (via IM) since the previously mentioned.  I will still be there when he returns… but, I decided I will leave it up to him as to whether or not he wants to spend time with me that day.  I don’t want to force anything or overwhelm him.  I just want my husband back.  I miss my marriage and my husband so much it hurts.  I don’t want things to be as they were… there were so many things wrong then.  But, I want to open the lines of communication between us… and see if we can make things work… start over… get to know each other again.

I’ve come to accept some of his faults that I know will never change.  I just hope that he’ll learn to accept mine…

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Well, since having the below conversation with my husband about working things out… I have not heard back from him once.  Not a single email or Facebook response.  It hurts my feelings that he would just shut me out like this when we’ve remained in contact up until now… and especially after pouring my heart and feelings out.

Maybe he really doesn’t want me back after all.